Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm not lost...at least I don't think I am

So, I haven't blogged in awhile and for that I deeply apologize.  I will explain in detail my absence.  I am going to be completely honest and up front, mainly so that if others are dealing with what I am dealing with they can maybe find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

First, college is kicking my tush.  It's not so much college but my health issues that I am dealing with along with college that are kicking my tush.  Let me give you a brief history...

In high school I was a great student.  I have always loved to learn new things and found it quite easy to do so.  I graduated in the top 10 in my high school class (which really isn't saying much I think there were only 72 of us).  I enjoyed studying.  Two years ago when I went to a semester of college just before my "surprise" baby came along I enjoyed it.  It was still fairly easy to me.

This time, not so much.  Most of my adult life I have suffered from depression.  I have been treated off and on for years.  When I found out I was pregnant I immediately stopped all meds.  I went back on a low dose mid pregnancy and through out breast feeding.  Then when I stopped breastfeeding back to a normal dose.  However, things really didn't improve.  I have complained to my doc for about three years that my memory is getting bad.  Now it's REALLLLLLLLY bad.  It's so bad it's scary.

So, in July I went to the doc and told them I must have early onset Alzheimer's because why else would I forget total conversations I just had less than 10 minutes ago?  After talking with my new doc she said I have all the symptoms of bipolar 2.  This would explain why my depression and issues surrounding it have never gotten better because I was treated for depression only, not my other issues and for the first time in my life I was sent for a full psychiatric evaluation.

That scared me to be honest.  Crazy people need psychiatric evaluations, not ME.  But, with all the memory and concentration issues I knew I needed it.  So, before I get the appointment for this I start college.  Long about week six I am seriously worried again.  I logged on to my test site to take a test.  The title at the top of the page said "cardiovascular system".  I flipped!  I told my hubby "Oh no!  I read the whole wrong chapter!!"  I ran and got my book, and guess what...there were hi-lights all over the place, notes in the margin IN MY HANDWRITING.  I did not remember reading ANY of the material.  It was literally like trying to pull something from a black hole because I seriously had no inkling of reading or writing on that chapter.  Needless to say, I bombed that test.  It took me another hour after I was done of racking my brain and trying to remember for a vision came back that I sat on my bed and had read that chapter.

So, when I went in two weeks ago for my eval I asked the lady and later then next day the psychiatrist if they were 100% POSITIVE that I did not have Alzheimer's .   The both assured me I didn't but that it was from bipolar disorder.  The doctor went on to explain that it's called pseudo dementia so....it's like I have dementia but I don't.  Ok that makes sense. Not.  Can I get cured?  No.   I can be treated and my symptoms can improve and be controlled but there is no "cure".  I will never be free of this new label I have been slapped with.

It's a matter of trial and error.  We try a medicine and see if there is improvement, if not, we try another one or two until eventually we find a medicine or group of meds that control my symptoms and maybe make my life a bit more normal.

I am struggling in college something fierce but I'm passing.  I am not sure what I will do next semester.  Maybe only half time.  Work that would have taken me an hour or so in the past is not taking me HOURS to complete and even then it's not up to MY standards of what it should be.

I guess I am getting a glimpse into what my ADHD stepson and ADD daughter have had to deal with all their lives and quite frankly, I don't like it.  My thoughts are all over the place, I'm like Kait...oh there's a butterfly, in her thoughts and conversations. (love you Kait!)  I can't remember from one minute to the next what I was doing.  I actually forgot I was watching TV with Emily yesterday!  I got up to go to the bathroom then for some reason went and started reading in one of my school books and Em hollered "are you coming back so I can start this back?" -- I had to ask her what we had been watching!!!  I'm like this all the time.  I hate it.  It's annoying to say the least.

So, that's what has been going on in my life.  That's why I haven't been blogging.  I forgot to.  Or I started to and then I made bread....who knows.

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